


ill tell you the truth (but never goodbye)

by mapshirtlou



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I can't believe i wrote a reader insert but im in luv with Reid, Reader Insert, minor hurt/comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:00:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24266275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mapshirtlou/pseuds/mapshirtlou
Summary: You're angry. You're angry but you’re also scared because you had gotten that call from Garcia seven hours beforehand. It was now four in the morning but you were the furthest thing from tired. Her voice was repeating in your head, helping you stay wide awake more than any caffeine could: "he’s being held hostage. he wanted…he wanted me to call you. To tell you that he loves you. And that you were the best thing in his life. I didn’t want to do it. I really didn’t—"And then she’s crying. And rambling. And your heart is in your throat. Or maybe it’s no longer there at all. You can’t tell anymore.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/You
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	ill tell you the truth (but never goodbye)

You hold your breath and close your eyes as you finally hear a car door slam shut in your driveway outside. You know its him. There’s no way you could _truly_ know it was him because you didn’t move; you didn’t lean over from your spot on the couch and look out of the slightly parted curtains on the windows on the front of you house out into the driveway. But you know. You exhale the breath you’ve been holding but clench your fist; it seems for everyone thing you do to try and calm down, your body kicks back with another one to say: not yet.

You’re angry. You’re angry but you’re also scared because you had gotten that call from Garcia seven hours beforehand. It was now four in the morning but you were the furthest thing from tired. Her voice was repeating in your head, helping you stay wide awake more than any caffeine could: _he’s being held hostage. he wanted…he wanted me to call you. To tell you that he loves you. And that you were the best thing in his life. I didn’t want to do it. I really didn’t—_

And then she’s crying. And rambling. And your heart is in your throat. Or maybe it’s no longer there at all. You can’t tell anymore.

_I wanted to believe that he’s okay that he’s going to get out of it in that genius way he has of getting out of everything out of washing out his used coffee mugs and out of Hotch’s path of anger but this time…I don’t think this time he will. He doesn’t want me to scare you but I’m more scared of leading you on and making you think everything will be okay just in case it isn’t._

You wanted to be there. You were begging, pleading, already halfway dressed and searching in the couch cushions for your keys all while Garcia repeated over and over again that you couldn’t be. She couldn’t tell you where they were and she wasn’t going to let you come to her office and sit there and watch as your boyfriend was—

But you went anyway. You didn’t need to know where he was; you knew where Garcia was and you knew that in the end when it came down to it and you showed up at Quantico and you called her and said you were waiting to be let in that she would send somebody to bring you up. She was an employee of the FBI and she had a duty to confidentiality and to her job but she was a human and she was your friend. And that’s how it happened.

She let you into your office and at first you just stood there, looking at her computer screens that showed you more than you wanted to see. It wasn’t your first time there, and you know she kept a spare chair in the closet behind her desk but you didn’t make any move to reach for it because you could see him, you could see your boyfriend on the screen with a gun pressed to his forehead sitting cross-legged on the floor alone. You don’t know why, but that part struck deep in your heart: he was going to die alone.

Penelope pulled the spare chair out herself and let you sit next to her, putting a blanket around your shoulders and you watched. Sat next to a girl that was the closest thing to a sister you or Reid would ever have and how lucky you’ve always felt that you’d have her and JJ and Emily and Hotch and Morgan and Rossi to be your family, yet here she was delivering you the worst news of your life.

“I know you’re listening to it in your earpiece,” you say. “I need to listen too. I need to listen to his voice just in case its—just in case.”

Garcia presses her lips tightly together but nods, pushing a button on her keyboard and the room is flooded with his voice. He’s comfort and home and he’s scared as hell.

“—and she’s sick. And I love her more than anything in this world. And I know you know all about that, don’t you Garrett? You know what it’s like to have sick mother and you know what it’s like to love her more than anything in this world and to lose her and feel like your whole world is falling apart. You know how much it would’ve pained your mother to lose you. And I know you would never make my mother feel that way.”

You knew what he was doing. Reid was inherently paranoid of some disaster coming for you and he trained you on what to do in every situation; natural or otherwise. He was telling his potential murderer personal facts about himself and his life and trying to relate to him in an attempt to get the man to see Reid as a person. As a human being with a life worth living. And he was.

You aren’t sure what happened next. You close your eyes to soak in his voice, the soothing sound that has touched your soul from the moment you met and in an instant there’s a gunshot and yelling and you realize you’re screaming too, and you clamp a hand tightly over your mouth to muffle out the sound and attempt to let Garcia focus but you keep your eyes squeezed shut as hard as you can and pray to every god, every deity, every higher power that Reid is okay.

And he is. You hear his voice yelling for an ambulance for the man that had a fucking gun to his head because at his core that’s who Reid is; he is compassionate but he also isn’t going to let this man that has undoubtedly hurt many people take the easy way out. You take a deep breath and open your eyes, finally asking what you were wondering the whole time: what happened?

Penelope wouldn’t disclose the exact details to you, but she told you enough. Reid had been a hero. He had volunteered to be exchanged for the pedestrian hostage that the man had been holding for 6 hours to save her life. He had gone in with no gun, no vest, no way to protect himself to save the life a young mother who had a baby at home that needed her. You need him too, you think, and you know its selfish but you also know it’s true.

Garcia offers to let you stay and wait for him to come back with the team but you know it could be hours of paperwork and discussions with the team and local PD before that would happen so you thank her and call a cab home. Your legs and hands are shaking too much to ever consider driving yourself home and the gunshot is on repeat in your head. So, you go home, you sit, and you wait.

His hands are ice cold when he comes and takes yours, pulling you up onto your feet and pressing you close to his chest. You’re still so _angry_ that he has to be so selfless but you also are so relieved that he’s okay that you let yourself lean into him, finally crying hard enough to express all of those emotions in one: _I was scared I was worried I thought you were gone and I loved you too much for you to go and I hate you and I love you_

You know it isn’t fair to be angry because you know he was doing what was right and you knew what you were getting into when you started dating five years ago and his selfless heart was something you loved most about him but you really thought that was it. He’d done that type of thing before: he’d volunteered to be held hostage in place of an innocent person or he’d charged head first into a room that contained somebody that could kill him without a second thought but this was the first time that Penelope had called you to say what she said and you felt like your heart would never recover.

“I’m not going to apologize,” he says quietly, “because I did what had to be done even if it meant dying. But I love you. I love you with my entire heart. And the whole time he had the gun pressed to my forehead all I could think was, “did I tell her I loved her this morning?”. I was scared that I was going to die and I hadn’t told you that I loved you.”

It’s ridiculous. And almost cheesy. But you know he means it. And you try to tell him how angry you are, how scared you were, but you know it’s the last thing that he needs to hear right now and all that you’re able to say is;

“You kissed me on the forehead before you left and whispered it to me. I think you thought I was asleep. But I wasn’t. every morning when you leave for work I wake up when you do because I’m always scared for you, and worried about you, so my mind is racing too fast to ever stay asleep. But most importantly…I’m proud of you. I know you’re going out there to help people who need you most. And at the end of the day, you always come back home to me.”

Reid doesn’t say anything, but his arms tighten around you and all at once you feel his fatigue hit him as his body sags against you and you lean in to support him. You know there’s more to say; you want to kiss him and tell him you love him with every last breath you have. But it can wait. You take his hands and lead him to bed, curling in close beside him and choose to say that, for now, him being home safe is good enough.


End file.
